What if the biggest failure in my life was working at a company?

 As for my personal experience, I would like to self-evaluate my work at a local company for 38 years. I'm sure you'll be amazed that I still thinking about such things now, and that I am still dragging the past forever.

You could say that was the only way to survive, and it was something I had endured well. However, at each age, we live our lives only once, at that time. Unfortunately, that irreplaceability was something you didn't experience when you were young.

The company I chose has had two full-time employees die and one part-time female employee involved in an accident. One of the deceased was forced to quit his job by his boss, but when his job change did not go as planned, he was cornered and committed suicide.

The other person was transferred to an unfamiliar department every few years, became depressed, and eventually died from accidental ingestion at a sanatorium whose expenses were partially given money by the company.

A relatively young part-time worker accidentally got his hand caught in the drum of a printing press at a factory, crushing one of his fingers. The company employs about 150 people, including part-time workers, and at times there were several employees who took long vacations due to depression.

Some people said it was a company with a nice family atmosphere, but it could also be said that it was cold for those who couldn't get into that atmosphere. Relatives of the president were naturally given preferential treatment in personnel affairs, and employees who were good friends with executives through baseball and golf were promoted.

One day, because I did not approach the president or executives, I was expelled from the company, saying, ``You are incapable of reporting.'' In other words, what appeared to be a path to career advancement was closed.

If I had worked at a different company, a different path might have opened up for me, and I might have been able to distance myself a little more from my relationships with people at the company. Looking back, I think I was trying to over-apply it. I think I learned a lot there, but...

The reason why I assume that my life working for a company for 38 years was a failure is because I feel like I wasn't Me during that time. For example, when I became a manager and tried to build relationships with my subordinates, I tried to fit my personality into an inhuman shell.

I didn't treat him warmly like I would normally do with my seniors, and kept my distance. He was very kind and willing to help me with anything I didn't understand. In the profession of a designer, differences in skills can lead to subjective judgments about the superiority or inferiority of the work.

I was about to write that this is a job where you feel pressure from below, but now I realize that it may be the same in any job where your ability is tested. I am now reminded that the company environment is a constant state of competition.

If I couldn't deal with that stress flexibly, I might not have been able to survive as a member of society in the first place. To a greater or lesser extent, every company has dark elements, and it must have been necessary to have the toughness to successfully counter or overcome them.

However, looking back now, we can see that such an environment was severely lacking in humanity. When I thought about it, I realized that in order to maintain myself, I had to hurt the people around me. It seems that they had become insensitive to hurting each other.

私自身の体験として、地方の会社で38年間働いてきたことを自己評価してみたいと思う。私が今でもこんなことを考えていること、そして過去をいつまでも引きずっていることにあなたは驚かれるに違いない。
それが生き残る唯一の方法であり、よく耐えてきたことだとも言える。しかし、それぞれの年齢で、その時しか生きられない人生。残念ながら、そのかけがえのなさは、若い頃には感じられなかったものだ。

私が選んだ会社では、正社員2名が亡くなり、パートタイムの女性社員1名が事故に遭った。亡くなった方のうち1名は、上司から仕事を辞めさせられたものの、転職が思うようにいかなかったため、追い詰められて自殺したそうだ。


もう一人は、数年ごとに慣れない部署に異動させられ、うつ病になり、最終的には会社が費用の一部を補助する療養所で誤飲により亡くなった。

比較的若いパート従業員が工場の印刷機のドラムに誤って手を挟み、指を骨折した。同社ではパート従業員を含め約150人が働いており、うつ病で長期休暇を取る社員も数人いた。

家族的な雰囲気の良い会社だという声もあったが、その雰囲気に溶け込めない人には冷たい会社ともいえた。社長の親族は当然人事で優遇され、野球やゴルフを通じて役員と仲の良い社員が昇進するなどしていた。

 

ある日、私は社長や役員にこちらから近づこうとしなかったために、「おまえは報告できない奴だ」と言われ会社から追い出されてしまった。つまり、出世の道と思われていたものが閉ざされてしまったのだった。


もし違う会社に勤めていたなら、違う道が開けたかもしれないし、会社の人間関係からもう少し距離を置くことができたかもしれない。今思えば、過剰に適応しようとしていたと思う。そこで学んだことは多かったと思うけど…。


私が38年間会社員として働いてきた人生を失敗だったと思うのは、その間の自分が私ではなかったと感じているからだ。例えば、管理職になって部下との関係を築こうとしたとき、私は自分の性格を非人間的な殻に押し込もうとした。


私は、部下に対して普段先輩がしてくれたようには温かく接せず、距離を置いていた。その先輩はとても優しく、分からないことがあれば何でも教えてくれた。しかし、デザイナーという職業では、年齢に関係なくスキルの差によって作品の優劣が主観的に判断されてしまうことがある。

 

私はこれは下からのプレッシャーを感じる仕事だと書こうとしていたが、実力が試される仕事であればどこでも同じなのかもしれないと気づいた。会社という環境は常に競争状態なのだと改めて思った。


そのストレスに柔軟に対応できなかったら、そもそも社会人として生きていけなかったのかもしれない。多かれ少なかれ、どんな会社にもブラックな要素はあるものだし、それをうまく対抗したり乗り越えたりするタフさも必要だったはずだ。


しかし、今振り返ってみると、そのような環境は人間性が著しく欠如していたことがわかる。よく考えてみると、自分を保つためには周りの人を傷つけるしかなかったのだ。お互いを傷つけることに鈍感になっていたと思える。

 




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